I used to get upset about Middle Eastern Terrorism, you know...around 9/11. I was so angry because before then a guy that looked like me could get a job as a bad guy in a movie, but nope - foreigners taking our jobs.

I really do enjoy a good pina colada, but who the fuck likes getting caught in the rain? I would not be a good match for that personal ad.

I've been working on my foreign languages.  My favorite SPANISH movie right now is "With Air" starring Nicolas Jaula.

My favorite FRENCH band is GOOD JOVIE - that guy, John Good Jovie really can sing.

Reporters have this saying "Sunlight is the best disinfectant", whoever came up with that saying never covered Tampa. That place is both Sunny and Gross.

I dated a lot when I was a young person. I dated a person that looked just like an elderly Kevin Bacon, boy she could dance!

I wrote a song one time, named it "Just OK Balls of Fire" - it was nothing to get worked up over.

I try to start all of my conversations with new people with "IF YOU'RE A COP, YOU HAVE TO TELL ME"

It makes me happy to think that Jesus, you know...Christ, was such a big fan of HIP HOP HOORAY that they have statues of him dancing to it.

Toaster Strudel are just POP TARTS for really rich kids. They have to put their own icing on. Suckers.  Pop Tarts are just Best Value Toaster Pastries for medium rich kids. Lucky fucks.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how much welding is going on in the star wars garages right before a big fight.  They should do more regular maintenance.

There was a sign over the gas pumps at the Station this week letting me know that I could now buy MILK WITH A WORRY FREE CAP. Really takes a load off my shoulders, I hadn't even realized that was what was keeping me up at night.

I love back rubs. Some people are weird about it though, It's a back, dude...calm down. It's nothing sexual. I'm just a dude rubbing another dudes shoulders, under the shirt, at a urinal.

How much toilet paper do you think HAGRID went through?  Do you think Hogwarts plumbing had to be magical to support him? Where did the creepy dead girl go while he read the sports? 

Have you ever noticed that 0ut of all the dangerous shit in a kitchen, the only thing with a built-in Lock are TONGS? Protected from accidental TONGING.

I always dreamed that I'd win a GOLD at the OLYMPICS for eating PEANUTS. Dreams are weird.

Probably just like most of you, so far I haven't made it through a JOB INTERVIEW without saying at least once, "Blow it out your ass".

I love fresh fruit, but I refuse to eat Pears.  Yeah, I was out the day I learned that TWINS COME IN THEM.

In the car the other day I had just about made up my mind that I was going to STOP BELIEVING, but a song came on the radio that changed everything. I wish I knew what it was called.

Fig Newtons are a great Beach food because they taste like you've already dropped them in the sand, so when you do it won't matter.

Here's a seasonal regional joke, I got caught PEEING in the shower...FUCKING ASPARAGUS SEASON.

I think of my marriage like music...there is High Fidelity and Low Fidelity, no such thing as Infidelity. I don't cheat, just like LO-FI on occasion.

Hey Guys, ever been at a Urinal and realize you got the bathroom math wrong and your number 1 is really a number 2?

When I was young I treated Sexually transmitted diseases like Pokemon...I had to catch them all, with my balls.

When I was 18 I worried I'd be too quick in bed with a woman, now I just worry that my wife will wake up.  I try to time the movement to match the snores.  When the snoring stops I'm like a cat tracking a songbird.

Things are getting crazy in my town. Downtown this week a guy was just standing in an alley staring out at the people walking by while jerking off.  I was like "HEY - Watch what you're doing. You almost punched me in the eye."

...And when there was but one set of dinosaur footprints...that was when I carried you...in my mouth...to feed to my kids.

I've always said it, and I believe it...Gay Men will get it in the END!

My doctor is worried about me, he says I'm so out of shape that my tendons are now nine-dons. If they get to 8-dons I could die-dons.

I love sleeping so much I wish I could stay awake to enjoy it.

I dated someone who said I had problems, I said like what, they said Microcephaly. I dated a doctor to find out they were liars.

You learn a lot reading the newspaper - I learned recently that I can draw a cowboy if I take it one step at a time. I wonder if I could draw a cat the same way? I also learned in that very same newspaper that my pop-pop had died.  Now that I think about it, that might be why mom mailed it to me.  I should have known she'd never support my art career.

I wasn't smart enough to earn a fulbright scholarship so they gave me a half-bright one instead.

I used to be afraid of taking off my shirt, not shyness, but fear of the split second where I can't see anything. I guess I worried about alternate universes and just basic distrust in object permanence. Most people nail that by age 2, I was 19 wondering what I'd do if it all changed. 

I'm embarrassed that I've never been able to shoot up heroin, it's not that I'm against drugs or afraid of needles...it's just that I'm terrified of spoons.  I wish I knew what soup tasted like!

Going to the beach is choosing to go sit on hot dirt. 

I had a huge, misbehaved dog, it was a Bernard.  It was no Saint.

I had another huge, misbehaved dog, it was a Dane...not great.

I got my driver's license the day I heard that Jewish people blow the chauffeur...shofar...not much luck