Bampires

A Bampire is like a vampire, except a bampire will never bite you or cut the skin.

A bampire will use its goat-like skull to head-butt you into unconsciousness and will then slurp blood from the hematoma.

It will do this using a suction-cup like mouth that when not working looks just like any other mouth.

How would a vampire see a dentist? Do their fangs retract? Fuck those sparkly fucks.

Bampires are real and cool as shit.

Nobody knows about them because they always create short-term memory loss in their victims.
The most any recall is waking up with a splitting headache on the ground, some wonder why the bruise is on the front of their head, when they clearly fell on the back.

A little advil and nobody is worse for the wear, usually.  Sometimes a youngster will get a little overzealous and break a skull bone or miss and crush a nose.

Nobody ever dies from a Bampire Attack.

Vampire lore talks about various ways people become vampires, but with Bampires it's pretty simple - its genetic.

Bampires are unnaturally sexy and smart and talented, so they don't need to live forever to continue their shit, like stupid vampires who have to live forever because they can't get laid. They just have bampire babies.

Bampire babies, By the way, look a lot like other babies, since all babies love shoving shit into their mouths, and they are just the same.

The tiny bit of blood they need for nourishment (along with food and water like other normal folk) is almost impossible to notice on the dog, or Mom's breast or Nana's fingers. There is no pain involved, its actually quite pleasant.

IF you are ever so lucky as to wake up with a sore head, perhaps after a night at the bar, it is probably just a headache, but you could also be the victim (as much as you are victimized) by a bampire.

Lucky fucker.

BAMPIRE FAQS:

• What does a bampire look like?

  • They look mostly like normal humans, you have to pay close attention to even notice the subtle differences:

    • High hairline, Adult male bampires are almost exclusively bald or display male pattern baldness 

    • Often a bumpy or bent nose, from learning how to properly feed

    • robust lips, conventionally attractive on female bampires; off-putting on males

• Do Bampires act different from other humans?

  • they like slurping bruise blood as food

  • low emotional intelligence

  • fascination with facts, but inability to grasp larger concepts or ideas

• Are Bampires human?

  • Or are they dancer?

• Does WeMailCoconuts know of any Bampires that we could meet?

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